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Celebrity Big Mouth Updates

Every week we will update the last weeks events in the Celebrity Big Mouth House here:

10:06 Most of the housemates are up. Paul Daniels was seen to take his toffee apple into the bathroom, where he has been for nearly an hour. Jimmy Saville and Chris Evans are cooking breakfast of Bloody Marys and porridge. Dawn French and Chris Eubank are in the treehouse playing tic tac toe and discussing Jeremy Beadle. Beadle is still in bed.
10:48 Beadle is up and the housemates sit down to breakfast. Daniels emerges from the bathroom with the toffee apple up his sleeve. The housemates disuss their feelings of the first group challenge which will be announced later today.
12:30 The housemates are called into the lounge for the first task. They are to form a chain and keep a continuous chian of leapfrogging for an hour, with no breaks. The challenge is to start at 3. Dawn French immediately enters the journal room and pleads for exemption with Big Mouth for medical reasons. Big Mouth said no.
1:17 Saville and Beadle are in the toilet. They have been exchanging dirty looks all morning.  As Beadle is leaving the bathroom Saville runs up behind him and pushes him face first to the living room floor. He is seen muttering "That's only the beginning fat boy..."
2:30 Paul Daniels attempts to relieve the tension ahead of the task by performing a disappearing trick using a banana and his trousers. The housemates look unimpressed.
3:00 The housemates line up in the garden in height order, and on the klaxon, they commence leap frogging. Paul Daniel's is the first to complete the run
3.33 As Beadle is running to the back of the queue, Saville intentionally puts out his foot and trips him. Beadle falls into the chain onto Judy Finnegan who also falls over. The entire line collapses domino fashion. All the housemates get up and start accusing Beadle of messing up the first challenge. Beadle runs to the bedroom in tears, as Daniels is heard telling Greer that he "fucking hates that fat bastard" Judy Finnegain is in pain with a twisted ankle. She reports to the Big Mouth doctor. Saville lights up a cigar and coverses with Evans.
6:34 Judy has been diagnosed with a fracured tibia. Evans is looming her a cast out of pink nylon. Saville, Daniels, Eubank and Jordan are playing poker, and Jordan is 250 up. She seems to have a natural poker face. Greer checks on Beadle in his bedroom, but he has sneaked over to the treehouse where he is caressing his face with the child's mitten. He looks like a wreck of a man.
9:25 All the housemates except Beadle are drunk after drinking their remaing 8 cases of wine. Judy is painting Saville's face as a tiger, and Evans and the other housemates are involved in a conversation on plastic surgery. Jordan is winning all the arguments, she seems to really come out opf her shell. Beadle is seen sneaking over to Saville's bunk.
9:34 Jeremy Beadle has found Saville's urn, containing his beloved mothers ashes. Beadle removes the lid, unzips his fly and proceeds to urinate into the urn, laughing to himself. He is wearing a boxing glove on his withered hand.
10:29 Saville and Jordan are cuddled up on the sofa as the housemates watch Dawn French demonstrating her skills with a plastic hula hoop. She had previously demonstrated that she could remove her bra without taking her shirt off. This is an embarassing situation for all involved. Evans is called to the journal room.
12:08 Judy Finnegan and Chris Eubank are passed out in the hot tub. Jordan is seen telling Saville that she finds him "irrestible with that tiger face paint." Chris Evans finds Daniel's toffee apple and sticks it to the ceiling in the kitchen. Paul goes mad and is seen jumping to get it for an hour as Evans falls about laughing on the floor.
3:08 All the housemates are unconscious. Jordan is asleep in Saville's bed....


After the previous days shenanigans, Saville is called into the diary room and severely reprimanded by Big Mouth. Saville keeps this to himself and returns to his room to discover that his mother's ashes have been urinated in. Beside himself with rage, he summons all the housemates around the table for an emergency meeting. During the meeting, Beadle remains poker faced, even though Saville levels the blame squarely at him. Ann Widdicombe can't stop giggling. Saville loses his rag and throws the urn at the wall where it smashes and sprays urine soaked ashes all over the houses food rations. The group disperse slowly and leave Saville weeping at the table.
Other News: Jordan reveals that she is a member of Mensa, then proceeds to stare in the mirror for 2 hours. Beadle has taken up smoking, despite being adamantly against it before entering the house. Greer and Eubank made amends over the whole hatstand episode. Chris Evans and Dawn French swapped looming tips over a cup of mint tea. Paul Daniels entertained the housemates with card tricks including one where a lit card is inserted into his eye. Judy Finnegan spent all day in bed with a broken leg.
The housemates nominate each other for eviction. Up for eviction this week are Jimmy Saville, Jeremy Beadle and Germaine Greer. The group will be put to a public vote tonight.
Other News: The housemates are confined to their bunk rooms whilst the kitchen is sanitised amidst fears over the ashes.
Saville seems happier today, but was seen giving Beadle evil looks all day. He has smoked 37 cigars in 2 days.
The group played truth or dare. Germaine Greer and Dawn French shared a drunken kiss after a dare from Chris Eubank, Jordan also kissed Paul Daniel's left buttock. Saville and Jordan don't seem to be talking after they shared a bed. Judy Finnegan seems to have been forgotten by the group.
The housemates discover the house's mock-Tudor croquet green and spend the day outside in the hot sun. Greer and Dawn French are avoiding each other, and Paul Daniels sustains a sunburnt bald spot on his head. Chris Evans has been cruelly slapping Daniels head and running away. Beadle, wearing a rabbit hand puppet, wins the croquet tournament.
Other News: Jordan and Judy Finnegan spend most of the day inside singing Vietnam war songs. They talk of a mutual affection for celebrity Timmy Mallet. Beadle is seen talking to himself in the treehouse. He appears to be staging a tea party for the puppet. Paul Daniels tells a crude joke involving Richard Madely and Judy Finnegan in a compromising possion with a camera. Chris Eubank plays a round of solo croquet, and Jimmy Saville is seen masturbating under the bedsheets.
The housemates are told that the first of them to leave will be Germaine Greer. Jimmy Saville is seen weeping in frustration. He complains to Big Mouth. Germaine Greer leaves the house and states that she hopes that Jeremy Beadle will be the next evicted, and she tips Jordan to win "Shes smarter than she looks"
Other News: Paul Daniels reveals that he smokes recreational drugs, and demonstrates how to roll a cannabis joint. Jeremy Beadle is wearing the yellow marigold glove today. Celebrity Big Mouth psychiatrist Hans Kleetus thinks that Beadle uses the different gloves to reveal how he is feeling, the yellow marigold for happiness, the mitten for sadness and the puppet when playful.
Jordan talks about a threesome experience. Dawn French is seen masturbating in the toilet. Chris Eubank has been wearing a suit loomed for him by Chris Evans in a fetching mauve colour. Jimmy Saville was seen chasing the Big Mouth chickens, whom he has nicknamed Gruber and Miss Milly.